holding onto hope

i’m envious of those couples that get to hold their loves hands everyday and see their smile and hear their laugh. long distance love has put an enormous weight on my heart…one that can only be lifted each time i see my handsome fiancé and feel his embrace. this past week has been oh so hard…coupled with the fact that i am living in london this summer…without my beautiful roommates…and working a lot, yet hardly making any money. and i know that’s not the point. and so often i find myself contradicting the words i say. i don’t want to want money…but at some point you do need it. it’s finding the balance again that is tricky and one that i am working towards…everyday. it’s an everyday thing. as is this distance. everyday there is 200 km between us…give or take. and everyday that goes by since the last time we were together gets harder and harder. i need grace and patience and understanding. i need reminders of what love is and i am trying to remind myself that the truest love is found in jesus. and this just opens up a whole other chapter in my book…one that is filled with questions to the point that it is overflowing and i have to shut it completely for fear of being swallowed into sea from which i may never return. it is scary. and i have been feeling so uneasy because i just want answers, but we will never hold all of the answers. we will continue to question and at times be confused, but i’m starting to think that is the beauty of this life. that is the beauty of creation and free will and life. all i can do is continue to read and learn and grow. gathering in as much knowledge as possible. soaking in it and finding my peace. my heaven. my life. 

when my neighbours play really loud hardcore music and talk obnoxiously loud. i mean i don’t mind hardcore music THAT much, but i don’t like listening to it while i am in the peace and quiet of my own home. and i really don’t love when obnoxious boys yell and say obnoxious things. and i especially don’t love when a group of them hit on me while i am putting out the garbage.

no i do not need your help to carry out my garbage…i do not subscribe to gender roles. i am an independent woman capable of caring for herself, but yes…thank you… i think that i have a “rockin’ bod” as well and so does my fiancé. and i think it’s funny that you have classified my humble abode the “hot girl house”, but please remember that women are much more than a body. and please don’t take my silence for approval, i just didn’t feel like carrying on a conversation with inebriated, testosterone filled boys. next time i may say something…maybe when it’s light out and i am not standing by myself in front of an obnoxious gang. 

i don’t have a class yet for the type of boys that hang around next door…they don’t fit the douchey bro category…yet they are douchey…maybe douchey punk rockers?…skin heads? scenesters? i don’t know…i’ve never encountered this type before.

the more i learn from my work at the market the more i want to make changes to my lifestyle to be more healthy. healthy changes that reflect my lifestyle. not a diet. not a fad. but real changes that i can make and be happy with. i want to BE healthy. 

i am beginning these changes. it’s hard sometimes. but i know that what i put into my body i want to benefit from. i am starting with cutting artificial sugars from my diet…maybe not completely, because it is hard to avoid, but i to be careful with how much i put into my body. i recently learned that eating one ounce of artificial sugar can suppress your immune system for up to 5 hours. 

that’s crazy. and there are so many other crazy things i learn that i had no idea about. it’s important to do research and ask questions. to know what you are putting into your body and what it does for you…or to you.

it’s important to drink plenty of water. get protein. eat lots of fresh fruits and veggies. it took some getting used to but now i can actually get full on vegetables instead of craving carbs…which often turn into sugar in your body.

i am writing this to encourage those of you who may be wanting to feel healthier. this is a little push. you can do it. it’s all about YOU. not some magic diet. or pill. or drink. it’s about balance and moderation. mixing a healthy diet with regular exercise, but also focusing on your mental and spiritual state. taking time for yourself. quiet time. and learning to release stresses in your life. in doing this you will be and feel healthy in every sense. 

beauty is inward. look within to find it.

this summer i want to learn to spend time in peaceful meditation. to be okay with being on my own. to rest in moments. see beauty in everything around me. 

i want to live every moment to the best of my ability. to not get caught up in the dreams of my future…as lovely as those are. my goal is to spend more time in nature. each morning and each night to sit outside, bask in the sun, do some reading and some writing. 

i want to learn to slow down. that’s something I’m not very good at yet…but hopefully this summer will give me lots of practice.